We don’t have to be supermoms
I gave birth to my very first child at the start of the year. Being a coach and mental health advocate, I was familiar with the postpartum mental health struggles new moms went through because of body changes, shifting hormones, and sleep deprivation. I also knew that because of the pandemic, I would have limited resources for in-person help at our home. So, before my baby was born, I planned meticulously, set my expectations low, and gave myself a pep-talk that I would not fall into the trap of being a “super-mom”. I would simply aim to be a happy and healthy mom, who hopefully also had a happy and healthy baby. That much at least, I thought, should be manageable.
I was familiar with the postpartum mental health struggles new moms go through and told myself I would not fall into the trap of being a “super mom”.
I might sound cynical when I say this (honestly, I’m not) but I realized how misogynistic our society truly is from the difference in how I was treated before and after my baby was born. From dedicated parking to strangers giving up their seat for me, when I was pregnant, I had felt seen and was taken care of. But as soon as the baby was out of my body, it was as if someone had put a cloak of invisibility on me. No matter what I did, or how sick or in pain I was, no one really saw me. And worse still, no matter how much I advocated for myself, it seemed as if no one was listening. For example, I passed out from blood loss in the hospital while being told how important it was for me to breastfeed in the proper position. I support breastfeeding and am well-versed in its benefits, but why did no one see how pale and sick I looked before I passed out? On a related note, US ranks last in maternal mortality rates among industrialized nations (ranked 55th overall). Not only that it has significant racial disparities, with Black women being 2.5 times more likely than white women to die in childbirth*. Even with such a poor maternal mortality rate, most women in the US only get to see their obstetrician-gynecologist 4 - 6 weeks after giving birth, despite the weeks after birth being one of the most challenging. Why can’t we have “wellness-checks” like our babies, where they see their pediatrician several times in the first month?
US ranks last ranks among industrialized countries for maternal mortality ratio, with significant racial disparities.
Along with feeling invisible and broken, as a new mom I also felt like a failure those first few weeks. The engineer in me kept analyzing what had gone wrong despite my extensive preparations and low expectations. It took 2 months of noticing my interactions with people to understand why. My baby had started sleeping for longer stretches around that time, so that helped clear the fog in my brain as well. Even though I had personally decided to not aspire to the title of “super-mom”, society was not on board with this plan. From encouraging comments like, “Just go with your mommy instincts” to loving ones such as “You’re stronger than you know, momma” or slightly surprised ones like “I thought moms had everything they needed in their purses”, I was being subtly led to believe in the magic of moms and motherhood – the stereotypical vision of strong, amazing, kind, selfless, and capable women who knows how to right every wrong, dry every tear and cure every ill. Now, don’t get me wrong. Moms are amazing and kind and strong and capable. But we are also human. We get exhausted. We cry in the closet. Sit on a donut pillow. Sometimes, we don’t have everything our babies need in our purses. We pee when we cough. Nurse our babies with a broken body. Need love and affection and fun just as much as anyone else. Oh, and we need to eat, too. I’d tell you to count all the times you’ve seen everyone else eating while a mom is nursing alone in a corner, but maybe the invisibility of moms makes us not notice or remember these instances.
Moms are amazing and kind and strong and capable. But we are also human.
With the convenient label of “super mom”, society (especially in the US) has chosen the easier route of praising women for their hard work as a mother, instead of fixing the lack of infrastructure and the broken system of childcare and postpartum health that would ensure moms didn’t have such a hard life in the first place. The magic of mothers that ads and movies push adds to the problem because it misses out on all the invisible labor needed to create that magic.
With the convenient label of “super mom”, the US has chosen the easier route of praising women for their hard work as a mother, instead of fixing the broken system of childcare and postpartum health.
So, what can we do?
If you have a new mom in your life, see beyond what society has trained you to see. Of course, you can admire and gush and love their baby, but love the moms too. Don’t just say they are amazing, tell them they’re amazing AND that you recognize it’s hard. Ask how you can help. Pick up groceries or get them food (and treats!). Help them find resources for themselves and their baby. Encourage them to take care of their physical health (by going to doctors, physical therapists, lactation consultants, etc.) and mental health (counseling, support groups). Read up on postpartum issues and educate yourself. And finally, pour love on them and tell them they can go ahead and be a little less amazing and you'll still love them anyway.
Tell new moms that they can be a little less amazing and you'll still love them anyway.
If you yourself are a new or expecting mom, I want to reassure you that you're not alone in feeling overwhelmed and invisible and broken. Many of us are struggling, even if our social media feeds and conversations don’t reflect it (and how can it when so many of our issues are taboo topics in normal conversations?). I want to remind you that you can love your child with all your heart and still find parenting to be incredibly difficult. Because it is. Because as a society, we haven’t done enough to support moms. So, while we are catching up, remind yourself that you are in a difficult season in life and ask for help (whether it’s from professionals like doctors, physical therapists, lactation consultants, sleep consultants, house cleaning services, babysitters or from friends and family members). Advocate for yourself and express the difficulties you are facing, because the people around you might not have the experience or knowledge to fully understand what you are going through. Be sure to vocalize your needs (whether it’s time to shower or journal or take a trip to that fancy bubble tea store). And finally, remind yourself that no matter where you are in your journey as a mom, you are amazing and beautiful and capable and loved. You are enough.
No matter where you are in your journey as a mom, you are enough.
We hope these tips help you as you navigate your journey as a new mom. If you need more support, don't hesitate to reach out to us. You can sign up for a free consultation here or write to us at contact@abetterforce.com.
