Maintaining boundaries during the holidays

With the ongoing pandemic and surge in COVID-19 cases (202,268 cases on December 07, 2020 according to The New York Times), the holiday season in general is looking very different for many Americans. Following CDC guidelines you may be giving up on traveling to be with loved ones this year, or having a smaller gathering than you're normally used to. This can inevitably lead to hard conversations with loved ones, as well as feelings of disappointment, hopelessness and anxiety. In such challenging times, it's natural to feel this way. However, since so much in a pandemic is not within our control, let's switch tracks and focus on some of the things we can control to make this holiday season a little easier on us. In this blog post, we have compiled some tips on how you can draw and maintain your boundaries with loved ones as a few other tips to make this holiday season a little better in such unusual times.

Handling other people's disappointment

If you're having a hard time handling a family member or loved one's disappointment at your decision to not travel and be with them, remind yourself why you made that decision and write it down. Having a physical written list helps to have clarity during a spiral of guilt. It may even help you be more firm and composed while talking to the person feeling disappointed. It is also a reminder to yourself that while you can be supportive of someone, ultimately everyone needs to process their feelings on their own, and its not your responsibility to handle other people's disappointment.

If you're the one feeling disappointed, try to put yourself in your loved ones shoes to understand their decision making process, and write down the reasons why you're feeling disappointed. Work together to see if there are any alternate arrangements you can do to reduce your disappointment while honoring your loved ones boundaries. For example, instead of meeting physically, you can arrange a virtual call. There are amazing websites and apps (like Among Us and Sketchful) that you can use to play online games with family and friends.

Prepare boundary-establishing phrases ahead of time

Whether you're with them physically or virtually, family members and loved ones can very easily push our boundaries, especially during the holiday season. It's easy to feel flustered when our boundaries are crossed, particularly if it catches you off-guard at an unexpected moment. Having some boundary establishing phrases prepared ahead of time can help you re-establish a boundary in such situations, even if you're feeling flustered and overwhelmed. Phrases can be as simple as "I don't feel comfortable discussing this right now" or "I need to take a break from this conversation". Also, know that it's perfectly okay to remove yourself from a situation if you're feeling bad by saying something like, "Excuse me for a few minutes" or "I need to get some fresh air". You can always get back to a conversation after you have composed yourself.

Schedule time for yourself

If you are one of the lucky ones in the pandemic who safely get to be with their family and loved ones during Thanksgiving, remind yourself that for quality interactions you also need to spend some time on your own to recharge your mental energy. During holidays and vacations, people get drained because they feel obligated to hang out with their loved ones 24/7 or constantly expect to find an activity everyone likes. Instead, block off some time for yourself during the holiday to do what brings you joy and energy. That can be anything from exercising on your own, to reading a book on your list, to simply taking time out from a family activity you don't particularly enjoy. If you feel guilty about taking this break, repeat to yourself, "Quantity does not equal quality. Taking some time off now will ensure I have enough energy to make the most of my interaction later."

Plan additional sources of support

Whether you're spending Thanksgiving alone or with loved ones, it's always helpful to plan out additional sources of support in holidays, especially in challenging times such as now. Schedule a call with a friend in the middle of the holiday, if that's something that provides you comfort. If they live near you, maybe you can arrange a socially distanced outside visit with them. If you're spending Thanksgiving alone, stock up on some of your favorite foods (some local restaurants are making meals for one this year) and make a list of things you always want to do during holidays but are usually too busy with family activities to do (re-watch favorite movies, try a new recipe, organize pictures, etc.).

Reach out to others

If you usually spend the holidays volunteering at kitchens and are feeling sad you can't do that because of the pandemic this year, remember there are many ways to help virtually. Make a list of people who are spending the holidays alone and make sure to call and check in on them. Or you could do groceries for elderly people in your neighborhood or even volunteer to drop off cooked food for them. Suicide hotlines and other mental health centers are always short staffed during the holiday season, so you can also check if you can volunteer for them virtually.

Be kind to yourself

No matter how you are spending the holidays this year, don't forget to be kind to yourself. Everyone is struggling in their own way in this pandemic and we could all do with some extra kindness and love. Since this blog post is about doing things that are within your own control, we want you to pour that love and kindness on yourself. You could give yourself a treat that you've been wanting for a while or write down a list of affirmations about yourself (affirmations are qualities about yourself that you know to be true. For example, I am loving, I am kind, I am authentic).

Affirmations might also help when if you find yourself in a vulnerable situation in the holidays. Sometimes family members or loved ones can have their own feelings and opinions about who you are and impose their views on your identity. Such boundary violations can be very painful, especially if they come from people you love. Having a list of affirmations can really help you reaffirm your own truth and identity and serve as an armor to protect yourself in a vulnerable situation.

We hope our tips help you to have a good holiday. To all the front line health care workers keeping us safe throughout this pandemic, we send our warmest wishes and gratitude.